Because not all of you know me behind the walled garden that is Facebook, I am leaving this post I made last night here for everyone else. As I state further down, I have no interest in the dialogue it generates, personally: I disabled notifications to the post, and I refuse to go back and look at what transpired because of it (I was too emotionally distraught to be bothered with figuring out how to lock the post from commenting at the time).
In similar fashion, I am disabling comments on this post. But I leave it here for any others to see, as I am not comfortable with the idea of making it public on Facebook, because I see what happens with posts that go viral there. I absolutely what none of that.
Sometimes you just have to hover around in a holding pattern until you figure out what you’re doing. Keep the day-to-day operations running, right?
It’s just a problem when you’re stuck in a holding pattern, and the day-to-day eats up most of your resources. You keep running out of steam, and lose the energy to negotiate the bigger stuff.
How the hell does one get a proper recharge in to deal with that stuff? Every time I get a decent mental decompression, something else just eats up all the time right afterwards. Or I don’t even get that much of a mental break, because I’m already worrying about more stuff. Uffda.
I think I’m just lost in a loop of worrying about self presentation more than self preservation. Why must this be so difficult to stay focused on?
…and on that note, I’m going to go hide from reality in the youth of my Nintendo DS & some 2007-era game.
Socially naive once, I have little reason to believe I am any better since. People have usually had to illustrate to me when I’m being hit on. And until I quit imposing my own thoughts upon others’ perceptions of myself, it’s probably not going to change.
24 hours in a day:
- 1 hour to wake up, get ready for work, and eat breakfast.
- 30–40 minutes in transit to work (let’s round this up to an hour).
- Average a 10–12 hour day at work.
- 1 hour in transit to get home.
- 1 hour to eat (premade/leftover) dinner & do dishes.
- 1 hour to do my evening exercises & take a shower.
- Expectation of 8 hours of sleep.
I am running with only 1–3 hours left in the day at this point then, varying dependent upon the work day. Even more time is eaten out of that if I need to cook a dinner from scratch, or run any other evening errands between work and home.
No wonder I’m struggling to find time for more productivity or rarely getting enough sleep. I need to tweak my work schedule to keep it consistently to 10 hours or less (eight would be grand). I also look forward to the weather warming up so I can ride to & from work; that’s an easy 25–30 minute commute—at most—each way, instead of the two hours (and CAD$130 per month) I spend on the TTC right now.
I really need to strike a balance here somewhere…
Elaborating on a future in wine leading to an academic lifestyle last night, it got me reminiscing for the simple things I’ve love to do as hobbies or a retirement/alternative lifestyle. Brew beer. Brew wine. Roast my own coffee. I even got to dreaming about the fancy chocolate at Soma and how I’d love to recreate some of my own amazing concoctions. It was an interesting reminder of my tastes: so much in life, I love things dark, rich, and complex.
Rich, spicy, and fruity wines; thick & complex Imperials, porters, and Belgian beers; dark roasted & spicy or complex coffee roasts; anything less than 60% cocoa chocolate is just sweet!
I love my decor and clothing dark as well. Bold colors (red, violet, blue, dark green) erring on the darker shades. Charcoal greys. Cocobolo & bocote wood. Purple heart & rosewoods. Just so many ways to mix all the dark colors!
I thought I had a goal in mind with this post. Maybe not so much. I’ll blame that on the delicious hot chocolate I made earlier.
Hot Chili Cocoa
- 16 oz (2 cups) milk (ideally whole/3.25% fat)
- 2.5 tbsp Belgian-style cocoa powder (or some other rich, dark variety)
- 4 tbsp sugar
- 1/2 tsp dark vanilla extract
- 1 tsp ground cinnamon
- 1 tsp ancho chili powder
Bring to just under a simmer over medium heat in a non-reactive sauce pot while mixing continuously (I prefer to slowly stir with a whisk for this). It should be steaming copiously, but not yet bubbling. Dispense & enjoy!
FYI: Half-naked (torso) photo below behind the cut.
I feel like I only bitch lately. I feel like I’m coming off as argumentative, oppressing, and just downright cranky. It’s only exacerbated by the snap judgments coming right back, whether they’re warranted or not. And the people I do care about…I feel like nearly all of them have drifted off, leaving me for who knows why (unless it’s the below referenced). I have one friend who consistently reaches out to me as of late, which feels sad as someone 1000 miles away who doesn’t even know me as well as the rest of my friends out there.
I’ve removed all Twitter & Facebook applications from my mobile (edit: and laptop/desktop…forgot about them for a sec) devices. It won’t surprise me that if you’re reading this, this is probably how you first learned of it. I’m getting off of those media streams; I don’t feel appreciated on them anymore, and it’s largely probably because I’m not earning any appreciation in the way I’ve been treating them. So I’m off of them for the rest of the week. We’ll see how I feel about returning to them come the weekend. If not then, maybe next weekend. Next month. Who knows; I know better than to feel this way about something as petty as social media, so I need to do something more drastic than day-to-day compensations to console myself.
I have a talk I need to do tomorrow anyways. And got the notice to hunker down and finish this review article. And slipped in the shower (tailbone & back of skull took hits) Sunday night thanks to a clean tub & cleaner residue. And sliced open my thumb yesterday in the lab. And slipped on the ice (in my winter boots of all things) and aggravated my tailbone again (and dented my MacBook Pro through my backpack). And sliced open my index finger of my left hand tonight peeling potatoes. I sink all my evening time into exercises as soon as I get home, then dinner, then dishes, then a shower. Then it’s catching up on whatever else I have left. I may decimate myself before this week is out.
I need to find my own groove. Quit worrying about maintaining those friendships & focus on myself; they’ll come back & find me somehow if I really meant something.
This isn’t supposed to be melodramatic, but more like brutal honesty to myself. Nothing against the lot of you, I just need to find some things out for myself.
Until I feel like returning to social media, don’t expect my blog posts to be advertised on Twitter anymore. You can either subscribe to my blog if you really want updates, or you can just use the RSS feature built into these WordPress installations.
This year, there’s only one thing that I need to focus on. I’ve danced around & touched on it in years past, but this year it really needs to be the only goal.
For just a minute today, I felt good about myself. Really good, like, I look good. To top it all off, I even felt that it could even be construed as sexy. And then it was just gone. Just like that. A fleeting thought, like a dragonfly that stopped for a second to check you out, and then is blasting off gone again.
Woah now, hold the horses there. That is a first; pretty sure that has happened next to never. I felt pretty close to that, nearly twelve years ago when Misty told me I had a cute ass. But since then? I don’t think I ever have. Maybe I came close a couple months ago (as noted here and here).
There may be some hope for my self confidence just yet. I just need to find a way to capture whatever it was I had there. Mold some more self-image around that nucleating event and rebuild it into something properly acceptable.
Last week, I was dealing with a lot of my own emotional war all week1, and ended up partaking in a few too many days of inebriation as a distraction from it all. That, combined with the vehicular cesspools that are the TTC right now, this weekend announced the introduction of some later TBD infection.