Digging up the past, whether it be intentional or accidental is always a bit reminiscent (no, really?) and somewhat awkward in feeling as well. I was scouring through my old emails in an attempt to relinquish some working password to my old website hosted through an old friend, but that failed miserably. That site may stay still until the end of time. I almost feel embarrassed that it’s up, but considering it doesn’t even appear to register on reputable search engines, I’m not terribly concerned.
Anyways, back to my point, digging through my old saved messages, I was surprised to see whom I still had emails from. It’s interesting to see how my social structure has changed since my middle years of college. Thinking back on it, I have this split urge to come off as a more mature, refined individual. Yet, daily, I have these urges to let the childish nature lash out still to unleash wanton and hilarious silliness to lighten the mood. It’s a really odd feeling, and I feel one will persevere and the other will ultimately die out, although I do my best to main both in my day to day life.
It really boils down to my concern on the opinions of others. I still have that urge to always come off well to other people, and worry less about myself in the process. It’s an odd habit I’ve always had, and thankfully it’s toned down over the years. Sometimes, it would just be nice to be rid of it, right? Although, yet again, I digress.
So, as I was pondering over my old communications, I reflected on the kind of people they were then. I look at the people I know now and I can see a definite difference between the social crowds. I still feel like I fit in awkwardly here in Buffalo. I don’t have that same kind of niche I had back in Fargo. Hell, I was just finally getting comfortable with the niche after three to four years there. I wish I could find that same kind of niche here in Buffalo, but that remains complicated by a few factors. Firstly, I have to realize exactly what it was about that niche that made it “home” to me. Secondly, I have to find some of those people. Sometimes it feels so agonizing to meet people and sometimes suffer yourself through their inane discussions as you’ve realized thirty seconds too late that you probably should not have introduced yourself.
In other thoughts, I’m trying to visualize a look to my main-page that I could put together as a sort of portal to my blog and other connections. I really like the look of JannyGirl‘s portal page (still bookmarked so I can track down her massage service if wifey and/or myself want to give it a try…she sounds like she’s pretty good), but I don’t want to come off as a blatant rip-off of that. Regardless, I’m sure it will share some of the elements her designer used…it’s slick, it’s simple, it’s great!