Sometimes you may get sucked into conversation with strangers. That’s not a big deal. Especially if you’re coordinating hosting a social event. No big deal.

It’s when you realize you may be inadvertently cockblocking another individual that you realize what you’re really doing. You get suckered into a conversation. You keep talking. You know said individual is there with another person. No big deal. 30–45 minutes pass; you’re still stuck there. You try to succinctly escape. It never quite happens.

You try to pass the buck. It almost happens, but you’re again not afforded the opportunity for escape. You continue to try (nonchalantly) to no avail. At this point, you’re more than obviously aware of your own situation. You just pray it’s not what you think it is.

I wanted nothing more than to partake in social interactions, win some (favorable) approval of others, and maybe leave the social with some improved opinions of myself. Instead, I leave worrying I cockblocked another professor in the department (whose “date” (?) needed to wish a goodbye before they departed), and feeling awkward as fuck for doing so. I even tried to escape to conversation with others, yet she (obviously, easily) found me to wish be good departings.

Yes, I want to feel appreciated. Yes, I want to feel wanted. But sweet Jesus fuck (perdon mon français), I don’t want to be cockblocking another colleague in the process.

Pleeeeeeeeeeeease don’t tell me this is what was happening tonight…

Some days, you’re just better off not going back to the original experiment in its entirety.

I opted to return to the original buffer system for some tryptophan fluorescence in vitro previously done in the lab. Up until now, I was using a different buffer that I had optimized for doing fluorescence anisotropy back during the fall. Using the cross-optimized buffer, I could see 20-30% reductions in tryptophan fluorescence (after accounting for the 10% reduction in signal from ligand addition to induce the conformational change).

Now? Either I’ve gotten way too slow at returning the reaction to the fluorimeter for analysis (doubtful), my protein is crapping out (also unlikely as this is a pretty fresh stock), or this buffer just doesn’t play as nicely. I’m getting maybe a 5–10% change in signal upon ligand addition. And I’m like 3 hours into this 4.5ish hour set of samples.

UGH!

24 hours in a day:

  • 1 hour to wake up, get ready for work, and eat breakfast.
  • 30–40 minutes in transit to work (let’s round this up to an hour).
  • Average a 10–12 hour day at work.
  • 1 hour in transit to get home.
  • 1 hour to eat (premade/leftover) dinner & do dishes.
  • 1 hour to do my evening exercises & take a shower.
  • Expectation of 8 hours of sleep.

I am running with only 1–3 hours left in the day at this point then, varying dependent upon the work day. Even more time is eaten out of that if I need to cook a dinner from scratch, or run any other evening errands between work and home.

No wonder I’m struggling to find time for more productivity or rarely getting enough sleep. I need to tweak my work schedule to keep it consistently to 10 hours or less (eight would be grand). I also look forward to the weather warming up so I can ride to & from work; that’s an easy 25–30 minute commute—at most—each way, instead of the two hours (and CAD$130 per month) I spend on the TTC right now.

I really need to strike a balance here somewhere…

Elaborating on a future in wine leading to an academic lifestyle last night, it got me reminiscing for the simple things I’ve love to do as hobbies or a retirement/alternative lifestyle. Brew beer. Brew wine. Roast my own coffee. I even got to dreaming about the fancy chocolate at Soma and how I’d love to recreate some of my own amazing concoctions. It was an interesting reminder of my tastes: so much in life, I love things dark, rich, and complex.

Rich, spicy, and fruity wines; thick & complex Imperials, porters, and Belgian beers; dark roasted & spicy or complex coffee roasts; anything less than 60% cocoa chocolate is just sweet!

I love my decor and clothing dark as well. Bold colors (red, violet, blue, dark green) erring on the darker shades. Charcoal greys. Cocobolo & bocote wood. Purple heart & rosewoods. Just so many ways to mix all the dark colors!

I thought I had a goal in mind with this post. Maybe not so much. I’ll blame that on the delicious hot chocolate I made earlier.

    Hot Chili Cocoa

  • 16 oz (2 cups) milk (ideally whole/3.25% fat)
  • 2.5 tbsp Belgian-style cocoa powder (or some other rich, dark variety)
  • 4 tbsp sugar
  • 1/2 tsp dark vanilla extract
  • 1 tsp ground cinnamon
  • 1 tsp ancho chili powder
  • Bring to just under a simmer over medium heat in a non-reactive sauce pot while mixing continuously (I prefer to slowly stir with a whisk for this). It should be steaming copiously, but not yet bubbling. Dispense & enjoy!

As I’ve mentioned previously, some of the command line tricks for batch processing PDB coordinates for electrostatics models throw some errors back at you, although they don’t implicitly prevent you from using APBS. They just make the surface models look a bit ugly, as you’ll have conflicting charges confined in an unnatural environment, yielding bizarre electrostatics representations (I’ll have to generate an image sometime).

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To the fellow operating streetcar 4177 on the eastbound College Ave (506) route this morning at 07:00, I commend your energy & enthusiasm this morning. You greeted every boarding passenger with a non-redundant hello, and bid every departing passenger at the front doors with a goodbye & good wishes for the day. That takes some energy & concentration, and you did it all in stride. Riding the TTC since November, that was a first for me to see. I hope you have a fantastic day, good sir.

I keep feeling an impulse to tweet irks & ires: things that frustrate me, be they online or in real life. But honestly, being unable to it forces me to think about why I want to tweet those remarks.

I only want to in order to connect, to find sympathy, to find others who share in my disdain for whatever it is that I am displeased over.

That’s clearly not how social media should work. Some use it as such, but ridiculously altruistic me continues to (selfishly) believe otherwise.

So here I sit, bottled up with frustrations after an emptied bottle of wine. But perhaps—instead—it will teach me to not worry over such “trivial” matters.

If not…someone better me making a special delivery of some hard liquor so I know how to truly purge on such an endeavour.

10. January 2014 · Write a comment · Categories: Rant · Tags:

It’s bad enough when people try to test me when I’m sober, coherent, and “on my game.” But when people try to seduce (through whatever means available) me, (try to) catch me at my weakest, and attempt to test me then? That’s just dirty, under-handed, and malicious. If you want to try & test me, be forthright and out with it: don’t guise it under another illusion to “see how I perform.”

I am sure people fail to realize my paranoia is exacerbated when I’m intoxicated. I am all the more easy-going; I am all the more gullible; but I am all the more skeptical1. A subtle test is a more than clear indicator that you’re not attempting to indulge, but you’re instead attempting to pry.

Get out; you’re not welcome. I understand trust is a hard thing for new acquaintances in unfamiliar or out-of-the-average surroundings. However, you’re not new; you’re not anywhere unfamiliar; you decided I needed a test, and I’ve clearly dictated where we stand in the past (repeatedly). Nothing beyond x, yet you’re testing beyond it. Clearly, you haven’t accepted where you said you stand.

I repeat: get out; you are not welcome. If you do not abide, you will be disappointed beyond expectation as you (attempt to) dig further.


1Yes, I realize the latter two are a bit at conflict with each other, but I am prone to just “going with the flow” all the more often while drunk, but at the same time highly suspicious of any slightly unusual reasons for “going with the flow.”