Because not all of you know me behind the walled garden that is Facebook, I am leaving this post I made last night here for everyone else. As I state further down, I have no interest in the dialogue it generates, personally: I disabled notifications to the post, and I refuse to go back and look at what transpired because of it (I was too emotionally distraught to be bothered with figuring out how to lock the post from commenting at the time).
In similar fashion, I am disabling comments on this post. But I leave it here for any others to see, as I am not comfortable with the idea of making it public on Facebook, because I see what happens with posts that go viral there. I absolutely what none of that.
Posted on Facebook, 09 November 2016, 20:00.
For those that don’t already know, I have not practiced Catholicism for years (I feel I am ignostic). I was baptized and confirmed throughout my rearing, and attended the Church pretty regularly throughout. I clearly did not abandon the faith to become a nihilist, as I would like to think most around me know. I felt I took away some strong core principles from my upbringing.
I believe in compassion & understanding. I believe in altruism. (Many) People complain I am a devil’s advocate, but I honestly feel that you cannot enlighten someone on an issue without them seeing the other side. I am imperfect: I do not comprehensively know every issue, but I try to stimulate conversation in order to make people open their mind sufficiently to understand the other side. In understanding both sides, we can better bridge the differences as we see what merit each side has. And I want to believe in building a better future for all. In addition to the fundamental curiosity in how our reality works, I want to further its understanding for the betterment of humanity. This was my strong, fundamental urge to both get into science, and to continue in the realm of fundamental research.
A great man once said to me, the day I was to be cowled for my achievement of my doctorate of philosophy in biochemistry, “what you do doesn’t discredit or invalidate God, but what it really does is magnify God.” That has stuck with me since 2013, and persists in my thoughts as a testament to what I do, and what I hope to do. I have never felt I openly defied my Catholic upbringing, but it helped to make me who I am, and encourage me to forward humanity as a whole.
The results of yesterday’s elections sorely disheartened me; I felt numb, in that the nation could so visibly support what I believed to be a morally bankrupt individual (in particular, an inability to respect women and expressing vitriolic disdain for his immigrant neighbors). I argued early on during the Democratic primaries with my girlfriend over my strong disapproval of Hillary for a variety of reasons, most importantly the perpetuation of the plutocratic government the United States has established. But is became clear to me (and to me alone, I speak for no one else here), that Hillary was the most viable of the options. I had no faith in Johnson nor Stein to get anything concrete done, I was appalled by the rhetoric Trump has used from past through present, and while I disliked Hillary, she had a history of actually working to achieve goals and actually listening to her constituents.
I was prepared to work through the numbness: to find out how to move on and try to improve dialogue once again as I was to gird myself for some dubious years ahead. Until I unleashed dialogue against myself: I rebuked someone to defend another whom I felt was unfairly spoken second-handedly about. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but it happened nonetheless. Regardless, I was vilified for it. They may disagree, but I think it is pretty clearly vilification. And it came out of left-field. I honestly thought they were projecting their disapproval for the opposition upon me, but as it continued it was clear it was not. It reeks of a contempt for me on levels I did not know were possible; of values I was not aware I embodied, nor ever voiced. It really left me questioning if this is how I truly look in the eyes of many (not just those who know me, but anyone who may distantly know me). It reeked of bigotry, I will be brutally honest. But if I am that closed-minded, please affirm it as such and I will take it to heart.
I always thought I strove to be a peacekeeper, despite not explicitly following the faith anymore. Clearly that is not the case; the contempt clearly delineated that I have no grace. That I have done nothing to improve nor further the world in which we live, and ergo have no place to educate anyone else on how to do so, either. Coming from someone who believes so strongly in the faith—with no regard nor consideration for what I do or have done, this was all decided for me—feels like a stab in the back. But maybe it is warranted…for abandoning the faith, and blindly believing that I was not only living a good life but that I was disillusioned into believing I was also making life better for others.
Now, instead, I feel morally bankrupt. By having whatever virtues I felt I had, shredded & disgraced by the very tenets that I thought I developed them from. That I am fundamentally flawed and wrong.
I do not want anyone’s pittance. I do not want anyone’s admonition. I do not want anyone’s consolation. I just want to understand, as a human being, how to improve the world we live in. Without faith. I am tired of the interpretations. I am tired of the intolerances. Faith is not necessary to make the world a better place for everyone. And if that dooms me in the end, so be it. A god that would turn a blind eye to such endeavors is not one I would choose to believe in anyways. I would rather suffer in an eternity of whatever afterlife exists, in order to be able to do something great and gracious to better all of mankind.