This year, there’s only one thing that I need to focus on. I’ve danced around & touched on it in years past, but this year it really needs to be the only goal.
I made those plans to lose weight back in January of 2013, but they were highly centered around going to the gym & utilizing resistance training to really enhance that weight loss. I never did get that gym membership, but I did manage the weight loss. And I’m keeping it off. And I told a friend just last week that I’m still calorie-counting to help keep tabs on it, but after the fact I realized that I don’t need to be. I’m at a comfortable “size.” I just need to get that comfortable “look.” Quit worrying about the numbers. I have the clothes, and the fit. I just need to clean up the rest (without skin tucks, I hope). Winter is killing my energy levels a bit, as my midday walks are sporadic (if ever present) in the rather brisk weather. I can’t wait for spring to arrive, and to get myself riding to/fro work again (although I will dearly miss my MetroPass for accessory trips).
I need to focus on myself. I’m still way too distracted with concerning myself over others’ views/opinions of me. I feel like I’m a wrecking ball swinging around, decimating & alienating people left and right for some reason.
I got sick after Nicole’s Christmas party, much like I did after Friendsgiving, near Thanksgiving. Still don’t know why. It’s not a drunkeness thing; I was far more gone at the departmental Christmas party and I never got sick there. Something about drinking & eating and then going to sleep that’s doing me in. It’s embarrassing as all fuck, to put it bluntly. I can’t blame her if she’s leery about letting me stay there again.
I’ve wrecked someone emotionally (Cori), to the point that I knew mostly just how bad she was (I went through something similar), but the circumstances were completely different. Trying to go back and find that LiveJournal post about my own experience (which I can’t seem to find right now), it’s shocking how little I’ve changed in so many respects. I’m still that insecure college boy who can’t open myself up to people because I don’t want to burden them with my troubles. So instead, I try to pretend I’m spouting them aimlessly here. In addition, I feel like I’ve (obviously) alienated her to a large extent, but have also done so with the surrounding sphere of people who hold her close as well. Just makes me feel like a terrible person, and that I can just simply do no good in my life right now.
To really fuck this all up, my parents really kind of go overboard on their gift giving this year. They sent me a healthy sum of money to go clothes shopping for dressier clothes (which I’m in dire need of after losing 80 lbs). But in addition to that, I anecdotally joked to my mother (on a call with her after thanking them for the gift) how I was tempted to pick up an iPad Mini with some of the clothes money. I’ve wanted to for a while, but the iPad Mini was always being eyed as a toy; a superfluous toy with the Nexus 7 that I have, albeit I’d prefer the iOS interface (for a variety of app-related reasons). She prodded me a little on the details of it, why I won’t buy one (because it’d be a toy; I really wanted a full iPad for productivity with Papers/publications, but it’s out of my price range), and the call eventually ended. While I’m waiting in the line at Canadian Customs, my father calls to ask exactly which iPad I was talking about. They apparently decided to get me that in addition to the money they already sent me for clothes. I was flabbergasted at this. They had their reasons, yadda yadda, and they insisted. I was kind of beside myself.
Here I am, this damaging & hurtful person to those close to me in Buffalo (or at least I feel that way), and my parents are dumping out a couple thousand dollars on me for Christmas because they feel I deserve it. I kind of wanted to stop and just cry on the way back to Toronto; I don’t know if my parents just overvalue me as their son, or if I’m not living up to expectations, or what. Regardless, my personal evaluation of my self-image is pretty fucked up right now. I don’t feel like I’m worth that, even to my parents. Which is terrible of me to say, but when I feel like I’ve done this much damage to those close to me locally, I just simply don’t feel like I’m worthy of something like what my parents did.
Then this last weekend, Susan swung into town with her new husband. I was so glad to finally meet him, and see her again. He seems like such an awesome character from what I gathered so far (I wasn’t disappointed), so it was fantastic to finally meet the man himself, and partake in some of his discovering of Buffalo. I’m so flattered they were willing to spend as much time with me as they did for the brief time we were all in Buffalo; she pulled the same thing my parents did: appreciated me for far more than I felt I deserved. Warmed my heart so much to feel that appreciated, especially for a visit like this, after how terrible of a person I’ve felt like lately in combination with spending Christmas alone.
I’ve got to get my self-image in line. I know I’m in a low spot again right now, but I can’t keep being an emotional wreck like this, otherwise I will push more friends away, inadvertently or not. I feel like I need a big emotional quarantine in progress sign over my head on a day-to-day basis. I’m too concerned about how everyone else sees me. I need to (not in a mean fashion) focus on me before them. I’m still so goddamned concerned about everyone else’s opinion of me more than my own. I’ve got to stop that. The young woman I (used to) occasionally grab coffee with, I feel like I’m (intellectually & else wise) out of my league with her, yet she opts to hang out with me every now & then of her own volition. So am I really as lowly as I think I am?
I need to ride out this low spot. Pick up the pieces when it’s over. Try to build things back up again. Quit punishing myself; I think I’m more scared of the direct rejection from someone else than just reprimanding myself for it in the first place. It’s easier to save face when I’m the one punishing myself; yet again, another escape because I’m too concerned about how someone else views me. Regardless, I need to quit focusing on how other’s see me, despite how crazily my brain tries to.
Goddamn, this got out of control fast. I tried to finish this up without the emotional floodgates, but I think it was inevitable. It’s been weighing too heavily on me for the past week. So here I am again, spilling it out onto the Internet, on one level pretending like it’s anonymity & it’s my way of venting without venting to someone, and at the same time leaving me blinded as to who knows & who doesn’t know about all this, for the people who do occasionally frequent here (which doesn’t seem to be many, judging from the amount of web traffic my blog gets).
I apologize in advance to any & all of you closer to me & interacting with me amidst all this; I’ve been a wreck like this before, but the last time it was bad was 3–4 years ago (and the last time before that was in my college days). If you’re in Buffalo, it’s probably not so different than before; I didn’t know you as well back then as I do now, yet the face time is probably far less. If you’re in Toronto, well, you’re part of some tiny minority, because the people I can spend time with outside of work so far I can count on one hand.
The lights will be dimming over here for the month of January, as some major reconstruction needs to be taking place.