I’m all kinds of wiped out this week. Some long (albeit productive) days combined with poor sleep and a return to strength training have sapped much of my will to live.
That’s what this week has felt like: a veritable train wreck.
I’ve slept like shit all week. Monday night I got five hours of sleep. My body just woke up at 4am Tuesday morning, after which I put it back to sleep, only to have it wake even more vigorously at 5am, at which point I refused to argue with it.
Tuesday night was Madhev’s & Jen’s collective doctorate celebrations at Pour Girl across the street from work. Plenty of beers with a dinner in absentia left me thoroughly intoxicated before leaving. The whole night was a harsh education lesson in where my tolerance has gone since before leaving Buffalo: downhill! It would appear I managed to kill a red shirt during the drunken shenanigans, and got roped into a tequila shot just prior to leaving. That was a bad idea; I needed a lot of extra focus during the streetcar & bus rides back home to avoid letting my stomach get too roiled. I was grilled more than once or twice about my weight loss since I started at the University. I always feel awkward talking about it. I’ll leave it at that. I feel like I’m slowly being incorporated into that social circle more these days, but even that is also evaporating, as the people I am developing friendships with are graduating & leaving. *beats head on wall* Why can’t I establish more permanence here?!?
I woke up substantially buzzed Wednesday morning. In part because I only got four hours of sleep Tuesday night, as I didn’t get home until nearly 2am (oh the joys & woes of mass transit in a city of this size). Wednesday was really a struggle to get through, and I had high hopes of carving a pumpkin & sleeping early, but had no time to get a peer review done yet. The evening was spent on the review (remarkably easy), and I had to give up the gourd gouging hopes. Oh, and I lost all taste for alcohol after Tuesday night, so I gave up on my plans for a whiskey festival tonight.
Thursday rebounded a bit with some extra sleep, but attempting to survive the day without caffeine was a poor choice. I was nearly crashing by the departmental coffee break, although thankfully that helped me to survive the rest of the evening. Got to learn about how fun geckos are (never been a lizard guy, but I would consider them!), got some delicious Indian gosht & dahl for dinner (OMG!), and had some great conversation in the evening. Got extra creeped out by the transit passengers on the way home1, while barely maintaining consciousness on the way back, I was that tired. Then I can’t even fall asleep right away either; grand!
Last night’s sleep was probably the worst of the week. Usually my abrupt awakenings are left with some semblance of what I was dreaming that induced said waking; not so much last night. I woke up in a fitful & violent (like whole body) panic with absolutely no recollection of what was going on in my subconscious dreamscape. I really can’t recall the last time that ever happened. I’ve had experiences similar to it, but nothing so unsettling & unsubstantiated. It’s left me feeling unusually disconnected & not myself all day long.
In fact, looking back on the week, most of this week has left me feeling not myself. I have been running on autopilot so much of the week with no downtime at home (Thursday’s outing was the closest I got, short of what I will finally get tonight), I haven’t had my normal time to decompress & regain my wits. A harsh reminder that I can’t grow out of certain personality traits: I cannot fathom ever not being an introvert. Social time this week has also reminded me I’ve still go some growing to do in the engaging part of social interactions. Which isn’t really growing; it’s acceptance. Less panic; more frankness. And when the frankness works, don’t back over it & explain it like I always do or over–think what happened.
I really need to find the this turbo2 button on my brain & down–clock it back to normal; I could get so much more out of it throughout the day if I could just get it to cool down a bit! Now, I think the evening Friday rush on College St has tamed itself (sufficiently) such that it’s worth trekking home now.
1The vehicle was getting full, so I moved to the window–half of the seat, and made room for people to sit. This well–presented Indian fellow sits down, and then proceeds to stare over at me (while I’m staring off into space, trying to not fall asleep) most of the trip, and creep up next to me. Did I just experience my second potential getting–hit–on–by–a–guy since moving to Toronto? Sorry fellas; I just don’t swing that way!
2Who here remembers that ancient Turbo button on the old 486 Intel computers??
That’s exactly how the itch on my leg feels. It’s amazing, I tell ya. Frankly, this post is primarily aimed at distracting me from it. I really want to claw at my shin. I thought giving it some fresh air after being under the gauze all day would be refreshing. Apparently I have not dealt with gauze-smothered wounds nearly enough!
I’m finding my extra free time is not nearly as productive as I was hoping just yet. I’m going to try to turn that around this week. Need to read some more papers and clear my head of these random distractions that plague me so. I have a tendency to hop on the computer as of late and not do much. I’ll peruse my usual news/information sites, refresh my RSS feeds, and then find out there’s really nothing to do. Yay, setting myself up for disappointment! That was a big oops.
The softball season is up in two weeks. We’ve got two games left to play, and we’re sitting 0-8 so far. Typical for our team, but as always for us, every team has a great time playing with us. That’s primarily thanks to the majority of the team that happens to be a wise bunch of smart-alecks who know how to poke fun at themselves and each other in a (usually) tasteful manner. I feel a little at a loss on the team ’cause I only catch right now (I pitched last year, and played all over the place 1st year) and seem to lack the off-the-hip wit that most of the others have. I blame it on a lack of self-confidence that still likes to present itself every now and then. I still give too much of a damn what other people think of me to throw those kind of comments out without reprise.
In other news, it’s still a balmy 78˚F here in north Amherst, and I would like to try to get my ass to bed. And re-bandage my shin…this itch is just unbearable.
Note to self: find more music by the Dodos. Enjoyable, energetic, just enough twang with the thump and it’s quite enjoyable.