I keep feeling an impulse to tweet irks & ires: things that frustrate me, be they online or in real life. But honestly, being unable to it forces me to think about why I want to tweet those remarks.

I only want to in order to connect, to find sympathy, to find others who share in my disdain for whatever it is that I am displeased over.

That’s clearly not how social media should work. Some use it as such, but ridiculously altruistic me continues to (selfishly) believe otherwise.

So here I sit, bottled up with frustrations after an emptied bottle of wine. But perhaps—instead—it will teach me to not worry over such “trivial” matters.

If not…someone better me making a special delivery of some hard liquor so I know how to truly purge on such an endeavour.

10. January 2014 · Write a comment · Categories: Rant · Tags:

It’s bad enough when people try to test me when I’m sober, coherent, and “on my game.” But when people try to seduce (through whatever means available) me, (try to) catch me at my weakest, and attempt to test me then? That’s just dirty, under-handed, and malicious. If you want to try & test me, be forthright and out with it: don’t guise it under another illusion to “see how I perform.”

I am sure people fail to realize my paranoia is exacerbated when I’m intoxicated. I am all the more easy-going; I am all the more gullible; but I am all the more skeptical1. A subtle test is a more than clear indicator that you’re not attempting to indulge, but you’re instead attempting to pry.

Get out; you’re not welcome. I understand trust is a hard thing for new acquaintances in unfamiliar or out-of-the-average surroundings. However, you’re not new; you’re not anywhere unfamiliar; you decided I needed a test, and I’ve clearly dictated where we stand in the past (repeatedly). Nothing beyond x, yet you’re testing beyond it. Clearly, you haven’t accepted where you said you stand.

I repeat: get out; you are not welcome. If you do not abide, you will be disappointed beyond expectation as you (attempt to) dig further.

1Yes, I realize the latter two are a bit at conflict with each other, but I am prone to just “going with the flow” all the more often while drunk, but at the same time highly suspicious of any slightly unusual reasons for “going with the flow.”

This weekend was a needed reminder I need to be mindful of my friendships. Some need more investment; some need less.

Some lack the time. Some lack the communication. Some lack the follow through. And 3/4s of the time, I’m oblivious to this in the moment. Then I stop, I think, and I realize how things have been going for weeks, or even months. Why did I never notice this before?

I know I shouldn’t be viewing them selfishly, but really, I shouldn’t be wasting my time & fretting if I can’t do anything about it, right? Might be time to sit back, quit trying too hard, and just “roll with the punches,” so to speak? *sighs*

27. November 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Rant · Tags:

Just woke up from a brief fragment of a dream that woke me up—not in the frantic sweat like most night interruptors lately—and left me wide awake with an unfamiliar kind of horror.

I was reading my email in the lab, and received an email (3 small paragraphs or so) from the 2nd-year undergraduate female who works as a work study student in the lab, doing general cleaning chores, and the occasional experiment.

“I wanted to thank you so much for going through doing X and Y with me the other day, and explaining how those experiments work. I was really hoping that those stories of grad students & postdocs taking advantage of interested undergrads to teach them how “chemistry works” were true1.”

What the fuck?!?

There was some other paragraph of nonsense in the middle that I didn’t even look at. I was still too much in shock over those first two sentences in the first paragraph. I was starting to tune out reality at the horror of the realization until I saw the following lines constituting the last paragraph.

“I had some questions about how to put together experiments into those nice figures in posters and papers like you were showing me, and what I have to do for these poster sessions at the end of our undergrad research periods. If you have some time to kill and want to talk about that, I would much rather do that right now than deal with filling tip boxes.”

I know I’m going through some rough stuff emotionally going on right now, but this is just downright twisted & disgusting of my subconscious to be manufacturing. Some elements are real amalgamations of the current state of affairs2, but the overall message—like some twisted Japanese manga plot3—is beyond anything I’ve ever feasibly considered. She & I never talk in the lab (yet the other undergrad loves to strike up conversation with her). This whole brief fragment of a dream feels like my subconscious trying to play a sick, twisted joke on my conscious.

What on earth does it mean when my subconscious is trying to scare me so? Or is this just some ill-fated consequence of having only one beer an hour before bedtime?

Can’t really get back to sleep with that haunting me right now, so I guess it’s going to be an early lab day today…

1Mind you I have never assisted this girl with anything in the lab in reality. My mentor & the technician essentially manage her (she’s much more care-free about the work in the lab, much to the contrast of the project student who can ask me unending questions on a Friday night), so there’s no need/desire for me to help and I can just continue on with my experimentation uninterrupted.
2Thanking for scientific assistance, and the email confessional.
3The kind I have long since steered clear of. It’s just bizarre to have these fictional stories that promote taking advantage of innocence. It gets under my skin & gets me irate people think like that. But despite how small a number there may be, these people exist on both sides of the playing field, scarily enough. Doesn’t mean I approve of it any more than I do right now; I just have to accept it’s a reality for some. *twitch*

Here I am, practically light–headed & dizzy from tiredness, and I can’t fall asleep because my mind is racing.

I’m so scared of coming off immature that I am afraid to be myself. At least I think that’s what’s eating me. I have this engrained idea of how I am supposed to be conducting myself, when there’s nothing really pressuring that. I feel so frustrated that I still feel helpless reading/responding to social convention.

How do I not take things so literally? Is it blind trust, or naïve understanding? It’s maddening, because for as often as I use sarcasm, I swear I can’t read it. It makes me feel for the people who interact with me, who do have to remind me that they’re only kidding, or they were being facetious. Or they don’t realize I’m continuing on with the sarcasm, and I’m just too dead–pan in response to it.

I really was going to rant about how I’m clearly a grown man, competent, and versed in a whole slew of things that should do anything but portray me as immature. But how the heck is a list of competencies, skills, and complex understandings going to truly convey that? It’s just a reference list of what I’ve learned. It doesn’t illustrate maturity.

Maybe I’ll return to this once I have an answer. It’s just tearing at my mind; I feel torn at this juncture in my life that I’m supposed to be disconnecting myself from the naïve & immature aspects of my graduate career, and transition entirely into a professional career with the postdoc. Well, sure, in my work life.

Maybe that’s my problem: I’m having an issue separating work & personal life right now. Because one does fairly dominate the other, some of it inadvertently while the rest is clearly deliberately. I’m trying to compensate for something. Not just a lack of a personal life right now. The question is: what?

Let me pray that either I figure that out quickly, or that sleep overtakes me if this rant wasn’t sufficient to evacuate the hyperactive mind right now. This really is the problem with living alone & not having anyone to conveniently call: you can’t get a way to air this mental laundry.

Hopefully the rain goes easy tomorrow; I’m going to need a long walk to clear my head, and I’ll have plenty of time to do so while a vat of sauce & meatballs cooks.

09. January 2013 · 1 comment · Categories: Politics, Rant · Tags:

I really try to ignore politically-oriented posts on my Facebook newsfeed, but some days I really cannot stand to see what comes across there. I know I’m friends with some conservative-minded individuals, and I respect that. What kills me is the myopic approach they take with so many things. I constructively can come in and provide enlightenment on the situation, and it’s a crapshoot on what I’m going to get back out of the whole thing. On rarer occasions, I will be praised for my critical eye in examining information, but that’s usually when I’m not outright contradicting something s/he may be arguing. The rest of the time, it’s a chronic battle of disinformation through obviously biased sources (simply on the labeling of the sources alone).

I like to think that I try to search for the least biased data/information possible. If I cannot, I will try to source multiple articles in order to gain as many varying viewpoints on the information to collect the core of the data/information, and leave the rest to postulated speculation. Granted, I may be serving into my own bias towards progressive attitudes, but I really don’t go looking for sources of this nature specifically, so I honestly don’t know if I’m coming off that biased or if I am really that biased. It’s like trying to see past the intentional veil of experimentation to not bias your results. Except I don’t know if there is one.

Anyways, today was especially difficult. Such a post was proselytization from a congressional candidate (of another state) regarding the foundations of this country’s government, and where it has become today. I see more and more comments saying, “this isn’t a republic!” or “we’re on track to socialist agendas!” and I just want to throttle them for not understanding what the hell they are talking about! The commenter today raved on about how we’re becoming a “mob rule” country instead of a republic, and I had to clearly demonstrate just want kind of a government we live in today. We live in a republic governed by representation. Yes, we have democratic appointment of many officials. Hell, more than we did during the foundation of this country. S/he spouts beliefs as if his personal rights are being infringed upon, and I’m sure s/he believes that they are. Unfortunately, that’s not the byproduct of the government we have; that is a byproduct of the officials appointed. There is no “mob rule”: the populace does not decide law, our appointed representatives do. However, by extension, if s/he really believed that the appointment of representatives by the populace is source of the “mob rule” that is coming to be, then the most obvious solution would be to take the power to elect officials out of the hands of the populace, which the way I understand it essentially is a socialist republic. So in principle, s/he is unwittingly and naïvely being a proponent for the exact extreme they claim to execrate.

I really try to keep my opinion out of politics unless it’s asked for. I taught my college speaking class that winning an audience’s attention is achieved by appealing to three things: pathos, ethos, and logos. Bipartisanship these days seems to put such an emphasis on pathos. Long gone are the days when logos has a place in politics. People now are predominantly won on emotion, not logic. Emotion is fueled by passion. Passion is often irrational, and even less often sensical. Why on Earth do we want emotion driving a superpower such as a governmental body? Please tell me why.

I do not believe emotion belongs in government. It has its place on rare occasion, but government should first be run by logos, then by ethos: make rational, logical decisions for the ethical best treatment of its citizens. Why oh why are we so fixated on cramming our idealogical pathos down everyone else’s throats to satisfy that our sovereign opinions reign supreme?

We are a country of many. We must govern many. We must accommodate the many. We should not deliberately alienate anyone, or rob the weak of their fundamental rights. I understand that is what a republic is to do: protect the rights of the citizens. However, so many of these attempts to “protect” individual rights is endangering or violating others. We are on a see-saw of pathos, torn from side to side over people’s petty appeals to just themselves.

A republic is a government of the people for the people. Why then are we demanding they appeal only to each one of us, and not the republic as a whole? I wonder how many people have forgotten what a republic really stands for…

Even though I had nothing really planned for the Labor Day holiday, the evening ended on a delightful note with a short-notice get-together put on by my landlords. Got delightfully intoxicated, met some new people, had fun chatting with said new people, and slept blissfully in the cool comfort of 50˚ overnight temperatures! Tuesday morning was a whole whizzbang of craziness, unfortunately.

More »